“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

I’ve been thinking I should get a medical alarm button to wear like the one advertised in the campy Life Alert “Help! I’ve fallen!” commercial. My mom wore one until she died at age 92.

Otherwise, how would I contact someone if I were to fall, unable to move?

Every time I take a shower, along comes the imaginary falling scenario: Warm water cascading over me turns icy cold as I lay motionless on the tub’s white porcelain. Casey, my beagle-basset, hears my wails and sprints to rescue me, like the cat I once read about who dialed 911. Or maybe it was a toddler.

This no-solution thinking scares me, so I switch my ruminations to the day my life-saving, rectangular white pendant in the mail.

I slip it over my head for the first time and, BOING, white curls spring from my scalp.

A few nights ago I had a scare. I was home alone with my pooch Casey, and I heard the front door shut. I immediately phoned my daughter, who lives only a few miles away, so she would be on the line with me when I confronted the burglar.

(Do you ever wonder, the way l do, what you would do if, when you go to check, someone wearing a ski mask is actually there?)

Probably no one had entered.

But just in case, that night I locked the door to my bedroom. I was too scared to check all the rooms in the house.

I imagine the intruder having taken up residence on the third floor, which I still have not checked. I picture30 x 20 Stretched Canvas Poster Burglar on the Roof him pulling peanut butter sandwiches out of his backpack and sitting cross-legged as he picnics on the bed or al fresco on the roof.

If I’d had a Life Alert, I could have pressed the button and emergency help would have arrived to scare off the burglars.

On the Life Alert Site, a video shows a woman taking a bath when an intruder enters her home.

She hears a sound, presses her Life Alert and reports a break-in to the man who answers. His deep voice then announces over a speaker, “You have been detected. Leave now!” At that, the burglars skedaddle.

In the next video sequence the deep voice wakes the woman, “Sharon,” he says, “We have received a smoke signal coming from your kitchen. Get out now.”

I love the personal touch. Sometimes on a Sunday it’s too quiet around here. Wouldn’t it be nice to push my button and talk to the nice gray-haired man. He would call me Susan.

They also have a video of helping poor Sharon after she falls off a ladder.

Shouldn’t anyone who lives alone have a medical alert system? Maybe I can order one for each of my kids.

Friends say, “Just keep a cell phone in your pocket.”

I prefer a button to push when someone in a ski mask is pointing a gun at my nose.

Not to mention the cancer risk of carrying a cell phone centimeters away from my ovaries.

I just called Life Alert for my free brochure and already my hair is turning grayer.

Can you think of any good reason not to get the help button?

Take advantage of my research and check out the 411 on how to find Emergency Response Systems for yourself or aging parents, including red flags.

While you’re at it, check out some of my home security articles:

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