What Does Heaven Look Like and How Will I Find My Peeps?

If I believed in heaven, I would wonder

What does heaven look like?

Will I be able to bike?

Are there apple trees?

Will they welcome me with bagels and cream cheese?

Or Seven Up?

Is heaven up?


Do residents sleep together

On beds of silk and feather?

Btdubs, how’s the weather?


Will they even offer me a key,

Given how mean I was to Barbara Satinsky?

Will Barbara Satinsky forgive and invite me to tea?

How crowded will heaven be?


Will everyone be naked?

Does anyone get mad and say, “Drop dead”?


Will Mom and Dad know me if I’m really, really old?

Will Mom be waiting with her trademark JellO mold?


Will my parents be translucent, like ghosts in a movie?

Or will they be able to hug me?

How will I find them, when I arrive as a trainee?

(Will Mom still smell as clean

As Pond’s cold cream?)


How will my kids find my address?

Should my girls and I make a plan to meet up or just get there and guess?

What about the five fetuses I miscarried?

They would be old enough to be married.

(But let’s not debate the choice issue here

Getting folks riled up is something I fear.)


What about Sabrina’s birth parents?

Maybe I’ll meet them at some events.


What about my second ex?

Can we have our “family vacations,” organized by text?


And Casey, will he be there in a pup tent?

He’s afraid of new places, so that’s a predicament.

Until he finds me, will he drool and tremble and be malcontent,

Like the night we lost power and went to Emy’s apartment?


What about the plants I didn’t mean to kill?

What about the bugs I did mean to kill?

Will they know I was the one who murdered them with such limited skill?

Will it help that I’m less scared now when I see those bugs’ descendants,

Whom I take outdoors with a tissue, still with limited confidence?

Unless they are spiders or stinkbugs or anything but lightening bugs,

Then I squish them with one of my knock-off Uggs.


Is there really a white light after you die?

I’ve heard they have unimaginably vivid colors in their sky.


Will I need a booster shot?

Did they really pave over Paradise and put up a parking lot?


One last question:

Do they have worrywarts in heaven?


How would you envision heaven, if its existence were proven?


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